Blast from the past - part 7

Blast from the past - part 7

Post by Wheele » Thu, 08 Apr 2004 03:04:00

This was on the old website sometime in either '99 or '00
when the races were still on ESPN and TNN.
Notice how many of these still apply:

Newspeak Racing Glossary
By Matt McLaughlin

Race car drivers, sponsors, announcers and even
writers speak in secret code since the
introduction of the politically correct rules of
engagement in Winston Cup. Newer fans might
sometimes be baffled by the true meanings of
these terms. Below is a simple list to help you
translate what is being said.

"That's racing" - That's why they don't let us
carry handguns in the car anymore.

"I just meant to rattle his cage." - I put him
into the wall.

"I hate that it happened"- But it did. Deal with

"We'll be back after this brief commercial
break" - You've got enough time to build a blimp
in the backyard.

"They're adding new seats" - Traffic is going to
get even worse.

"We must have run over something because a tire
went down" - Another unexplained tire failure.

"There's an enthusiastic bunch of fans." -
They've been drinking since dawn, and
misspelled "ESPN" on their banner. At a race
televised by TNN.

"This is a team sport" - It may look like I
screwed up, but I'd like to blame the rest of the
guys as well.

"We're currently reviewing our commitment." -
We've wasted a ton of money sponsoring these
bozos and are looking to get out of the sport.

"One of the great innovators of our sport." -
This guy cheated like a Mississippi riverboat
card shark.

"Needs to refocus his attention and priorities" -
We caught him wearing a toga and drinking grain
*** out of a dog dish at three o'clock this

"Nestled in a rustic picturesque setting" - Fans
are going to be sitting in traffic four hours to
get out of here.

"Not noted as a road racing expert."- They're
fitting All Terrain tires to this clown's car.

"Mutually agreed upon parting of ways." - We
needed fire hoses to separate the driver, crew
chief and owner when they commenced to brawling.

"Certainly one of the most popular guys in the
garage area." - He's unemployed.

"We think it's going to race a lot better than it
qualified" - We are in a world of trouble here.
This dog won't hunt.

"He seems to have a fender rubbing the tire." -
Dale Earnhardt just passed him.

"Action resumed just moments ago." - We missed
another restart, there's been two crashes and the
leader lost an engine.

The track safety crew is putting down additional
oil dry" - Man is there going to be one helluva
wreck when they restart this race.

"We're heading for what looks to be an exciting
finish." - Put out the fire and call in the dogs.
This one is over.

"It looks to be a brief shower, after which there
will be a window of opportunity" - See ya'll

"We're going to take you back to last year's
running of this event.." - So we can be first in
line for the ark.

"We're studying the issue to see if improvements
can be made." - We're hoping that given a little
time people will just forget about it.

"We're constantly looking for ways to improve the
race weekend experience for fans" - Damn, I can't
believe we built a brand new track and forgot to
install restrooms.

"The (Ford/Chevy/Pontiac) is at a distinct
disadvantage right now" - If we could run our
shops the way we run our mouths we'd be winning
races too.

"It's an innovative new approach to race team
sponsorship" - It's not going to work and we'll
be in court within two months.

"For those of you new to the sport..." - Get
ready for another confusing explanation of tight
and loose.

"Conduct detrimental to the sport of auto
racing." - Genuine show of human emotion.

"This is a building year for our team." - The
auction is in October.

"We're currently in serious negotiations with two
or three sponsors" - I've got a kidney up for
auction on Ebay and if it sells we'll be at the
next race.

"A one race paint scheme to honor." - To sell a
bunch of diecasts.

"I'd like to thank all the fans for their
support." - Man -- are we selling a lot of t-

"This track presents a unique challenge." - It's
poorly designed.

"Declined comment." - Punched out a reporter.

"I had an interesting conversation last night
with..." - Who picked up the check for dinner.

"We'd like to welcome to the booth" - Someone who
knows nothing about racing.

"For those of you who just joined us.." - Let's
recap the three laps of this dull race that were
actually exciting.

"Let's take you back a few laps." - To something
we completely missed because we were doing
the "bald and fat" comedy routine again.

"This is a family sport.." - So we do whatever
the France family tells us to.

"Here's the tail end of the incident." - We're
clueless as to what happened. Our camera man
missed it.

"From this angle it's hard to tell." - You can
see whose fault it is but we don't want to
irritate his sponsor.

"Certainly didn't mean to do that." - Can you
believe what this idiot did?

"Sometimes in the heat of the moment." - This guy
just made a complete ass of himself.

"This decision was never about money." - It was
about money. And they gave me a Rolex too.

"Broadcast partner" - Lap dog.

"We're going to cut away for a quick commercial
break so we can show the next sequence of pit
stops" - You have enough time to fly your blimp
to Dublin and find a four leaf clover.

"Sportscenter is coming up at the top of the
hour." - We're not going to interview the winner.

"Our finishes don't reflect how well we've run" -
Every time we get into the top ten either the
bonehead crashes or an engine blows.

"We remain 100 percent committed to our driver" -
Anyone got Hut or Morgan's home phone numbers?

"It's important to us to grow into new markets" -
Drop dead, Bruton. You're not getting a second
race date for Texas.

"I'm exploring my options" - The phones not
ringing. Looks like I'm heading down to the Busch
series again.

"Race recap" - Wanna see all the wrecks again?

"A review of the tape was inconclusive."- Yeah,
we screwed up, but what are you going to do about

"Good seats are still available" - They cost too

"Seldom do you see a run this ***" - The
race is boring as Hell.

"Caution for debris on the track" - Caution to
try to add a little e***ment to this snoozefest.

"The lapped cars weren't showing us a lot of
courtesy" - Chad Little ran into me again.

"Running a unique paint scheme this week" - Damn,
but is that ugly.

"Yes indeed. That one is easy to pick out." -
What a circus wagon. What is that? A psychedelic
tribute to motion sickness?

"Indeed. Gorgeous." - The sponsor is running
commercials during the broadcast as well.

"We're going to cut away for a short commercial
break so we can show the last 10 laps of the race
uninterrupted." - You know, your wife might like
a blimp too.