by He has a very uncomplicated aggressive approach to batting that is
very entertaining, that reminds me a lot of seeing Milburn as a lad.
I hope he can continue thrashing the ball every where when he's
playing against someone other than England. (And WTF is going on
there? I'd never have believed after the 20/20 games that England
could play in such an appallingly disconnected manner as shown in
ODIs 1 & 2).)
Anyway, in this morning's "The Spin", here's an amusing take on
assembling an XI of "gents of ample proportion". It doesn't have
Boon or Gatting (not really tubby enough), but it's a large guys
team I will be happy to endorse.
[quote]
Adam Parore said last week that the well-proportioned opener Jesse
Ryder was "too fat and is in no fit state to play for New Zealand,
and if I was still in the national side, I wouldn't want him in my
dressing room". Well, the Spin can reveal it is neither so picky nor
so fattist, especially after his unbeaten 79 off 62 balls this
morning. And to prove the point, it has selected an XI of the very
best tubbies.
1. Jesse Ryder - The fact that Ryder has as many chins as first-class
hundreds (five) is neither here nor there. Like Peter Crouch and his
fabled "touch", Ryder has good hands for a big man and was spotted
during the Twenty20 series attempting Superman-style catches on the
boundary. Oh, and he failed to turn up for a game for Ireland against
Surrey shortly after telling the New Zealand selectors that he wasn't
available for an A tour of Australia... because he was going to play
for Ireland instead. Quite simply, the stuff of legend.
2. Mark Cosgrove - It must be extra-tough being a fat cricketer in
Australia, so you can't say Cosgrove hasn't earned the right to
partner Ryder and get involved in a comedy run-out in the first over.
Before he went on to play three ODIs, Cosgrove was suspended by South
Australia for returning from a spell in English club cricket having
gobbled too many kebabs with extra chilli sauce. But he lost five
pounds and in his next 10 innings made 109*, 71, 89, 40, 184, 26,
71*, 0, 74 and 76. It's the kind of spirit this XI needs.
3. Colin Milburn - If the Spin had been more than a twinkle in the
milkman's son's eye when Milburn was strutting his stuff for
Northants and England, it feels sure it would have found a hero for
life. Wisden always called him thinks like "amply proportioned",
which was very generous. He was, by all accounts, a superbly fearless
player until a car injury robbed him of the use of his left eye. As a
Durham lad, he could have pointed the Antipodean openers in the
direction of some decent beer too.
4. Darren Lehmann - Squeezes out WG Grace - if you'll forgive the
unpleasant image - because WG cultivated his gut in the days when you
hardly needed to run anyway. They called him "Boof", which is why
Cosgrove, his spiritual heir at South Australia, was known as "Mini
Boof". Basically, he was a stunning batsman who liked a fag and a
pint and was forever labelled as "the last of a dying breed", which
must be news to his team-mates.
5. Inzamam-ul-Haq - Look, the guy went to great lengths, OK? He told a
Pakistan team-mate to bring him a bat from the dressing-room so that
he could practise his cover-drive on the goon in the crowd at Toronto
who had been heckling him with cries of "aloo" (Urdu for potato)
through a megaphone. That takes dedication, and so did Inzy's
attitude to nets: watch the others get on with it from the comfort of
a wicker chair. A frighteningly good arm makes him a must.
6. Arjuna Ranatunga - Ian Healy denies ever telling Ranatunga that
"you're not allowed a runner for being a fat ****", but, hey, there's
no smoke without fire, especially if Arjuna is manning the barbecue.
But Healy did once suggest that the best way to lure the big man out
of his crease was to "put a Mars Bar on a good length". His
speciality was walking singles that persuaded fielders to hurl the
ball at the stumps in irritation - and concede several overthrows in
the process.
7. Tariq Iqbal - Who he? Well, quite. He's the wicketkeeper who caught
Brian Lara when Kenya humbled West Indies in the 1996 World Cup at
Pune. That moment inspired one of the great understatements from
Wisden: "The collapse became critical when Lara was caught behind by
Tariq Iqbal, whose stout figure and village-standard juggling had
hitherto caused much mirth." In other words, let's all laugh at the
fat man. Alas, a glorious international career lasted just four days.
8. Ramesh Powar - You have to admire his attempts to deflect attention
from his waistline by wearing a pair of Su Pollardesque red-rimmed
shades, but in he comes to bowl his perky off-breaks and belly-flop
over the ball at third man. You can't teach qualities like that.
9. Ian Austin - Our very own Mike Selvey once likened "Bully" Austin
to a stoker on a merchant's steamer, which is good enough for us.
It's easy to laugh at the pre-1999 World Cup predictions which made
Austin favourite to be the competition's leading wicket-taker (he
ended up playing two games and taking three wickets), so the Spin
will do it: ha ha! But his bowling at the death was one of the
reasons Lancashire kept winning one-day trophies in the 1990s, and he
would ensure the team never went short of top-quality pies.
10. Jimmy Ormond - Poor bloke. If ever one picture has ruined a man's
career - and the Spin should know - it's the one of Ormond with his
shirt off in New Zealand during the 2001-02 tour. So he looked like
he enjoyed a vindaloo! What of it? The man can bowl. And if Lehmann
ever runs out of cigarettes, Ormond is the man to save the day.
11. Dwayne Leverock - You'd be in urgent need of a lobotomy if you
left this fella out. At 19 stone, his warm-up routines in the
dressing-room quite literally send tremors through the opposition,
and his slip catch during the World Cup against India remains one of
cricket's greatest pieces of unexpected theatre. And don't forget:
when England played Bermuda in a World Cup warm-up match, he took two
for 32 with his fat left-armers. An ample figure in every sense.
[end quote]
--
Cheers,
SDM -- a 21st century schizoid man
Systems Theory internet music project links:
official site <www.systemstheory.net>
MySpace MP3s <www.myspace.com/systemstheory>
CDBaby <www.cdbaby.com/systemstheory>
"Soundtracks For Imaginary Movies" CD released Dec 2004
"Codetalkers" CD coming Xmas 2007
NP: nothing