The new crappy cricketer rules!

The new crappy cricketer rules!

Post by Dianne van Dulk » Sat, 28 Mar 1998 04:00:00

In lieu of some comments and criticisms, I have revamped the Crappy
Cricketers Rules of Competition for the Northern Hemisphere summer.
Many of the following details are the same, but some are different.
Please also note that it is possible to be put on the Crappy
Cricketers mailing list to get (hopefully)regular updates.

At popular request, we now have three separate subgroups to the

A) The Crappy Bowler
        Judged only on their bowling performance
B) The Crappy Batsman
        Judged only on their batting
C) The Crappy Cricketer.
        Judged on their overall brilliance

You may enter into ONE of these categories.  Your choice of category
must be placed at your time of entry into the competition, and may not
be changed for the remainder of that season.  I dont care if you
thought you could bat, but now find your batting is crap, but you are
having a spell with the ball!  It isnt my fault!

The crappy cricketer, being the most sought after of these groups, is
the only one which has a (sub?) annual trophy associated with it.
This trophy will soon be in the hands of Mr David Weddell, the mighty
inaugural winner.  This trophy is expected to have pride of place for
the six months it is in your hands, after which it is the winners
responsibility either to return it to the convenor of the Competition,
or to send it directly to their counterpart in the opposite

Crappy Batsmen and Crappy Bowlers must, at this stage, be satisfied
with knowing of their triumph

To the rules:

Definition of the type:
A crappy cricketer is one who continually inflicts his/herself on a
team, because of love of the game, and despite a total lack of
cricketing talent. It goes without saying that this team is of at
LEAST fourth grade, if your local competition is a graded one.

The crappy cricketer has two subfields - the crappy batter (our hero
is Bruce Reid), and the crappy bowler (hero being hmm....  Brendon

Rules of the Competition.

All Weekly Results Must Be Forwarded To Dianne Van Dulken At

To Do This Will Result In Zero Points Being Scored For That Week And
The Crappy Contestant Being Recorded As Having Played.

1) Batting  (these rules apply for both the crappy cricketer and the
crappy batter)

1.1 The crappy cricketer will post any runs scored either directly to
rsc or to Dianne van Dulken (as convenor of the CCC) at

by other members of the CCC. In fact, getting a bat is extremely
laudable for the average CC.

1.2 Of above runs, the CC will be allowed to score ONE score of 20 +
without comment, except for exuberant praise. A second such effort
will again bring praise, but with accompanying pursed lips, and some
hmmmming. Such behaviour more than twice in a season results in the CC
immediate dispulsion from the competition. This person is obviously
not a Crappy Cricketer at all, and has no right to wear the badge. Let
them start their own "Mediocre to occasionally good" cricket comp.

2) Fielding  (Crappy cricketers only)

2.1 Any outstanding effort in the field, whether good or bad, will be
shared with the other CC's, in an effort to spur them on to better

2.2 The CC will know that the CC's main role is in the field. So, the
CC will try to remember to back up, to walk in, etc. Taking a catch
will bring showers of praise on the CC's head. Dropping a catch will
bring rushes of sympathy. Kicking a ball you are fielding over the
boundary will bring gales of laughter.

2.3 When reporting ones fielding efforts, the CC will remember that
exaggeration is good, lying is bad. Thus, the CC NEVER takes a sitter.
There is no such thing! The CC, with amazing reflexes, thrust up their
hand, and managed to not only keep the ball from breaking their nose,
but ALSO held it  afterwards. That kind of thing.

2.4  The CC will remember that they have two natural places in the
field, and will offer to field there accordingly.  One is at fine leg.
The other is at silly mid on/off.  It is noble and just for the crappy
cricketer to put their life at risk for the sake of their comrades.

3) Bowling.

The crappy bowler will, when entering the competition, nominate
whether they wish to have their score based upon practice or game
play.  They must get to bowl at least five times in a match for the
second option.  (and be fairly sure of this event)

Option 1:

3.1 A true CC will never get a bowl, for more than one over, unless it
is in their team rules that everyone has to bowl. HOWEVER, every CC
KNOWS they are a bowler at heart (mainly because they are such a tail
ender batsman). So, in encouragement of this:

3.1.1 Any CC will keep record of the type of balls they bowl while in
the nets. It matters not whether these nets have any other human being
in them at the time. The divisions are: Brilliant, Good, Crappy.

A brilliant ball is one which hits the stumps, or misses it by a
whisper. It matters not whether there is a human form in the way.
(NOTE: Hitting the stumps via the side or top of the nets DISQUALIFIES
it as a
brilliant ball. It is still crappy then)

A good ball is one that lands on the pitch, and would not have been
called a wide or a noball, had it been bowled in a match. It matters
not if it would have been smacked for six.

A crappy ball is one that does not fall into the above categories. In
other words, it comes no where near the stumps, never had a chance of
touching the stumps, and would have set the opposition batsmen rolling
around the floor, had you bowled it to them in a match. It matters not
if there is a batman in the net, and they MOVE two metres to their
right and slog the damn thing. It is still crappy.

The minimum balls to be recorded in one session this way is 42.
Percentages will be forwarded to Dianne. In the crappy bowler
category, you must provide ONE of these per playing week.  Your best
figures will be the one you put forward.

For example, today at lunch, I bowled 60 balls in the net. Of which 23
were crappy, 32 were good, and 5 brilliant. Work out the percentages

3.1.2 WHEN either the percentage of crappy balls gets down under 10%,
and/or the percentage of brilliant balls is over 25%, all other CC's
will join in supporting the CC in question, and saying it is a damn
that they never get the ball.

3.2  IF a CC actually GETS a ball, they will, naturally try their
hardest, and do damn well. However, they will bear in mind that the
taking of more than two wickets in any one game will disqualify them
from being considered a CC for the rest of that season.  This applies
for BOTH ways of scoring the bowling.

3.3  Scoring by game play
The CC will forward his weekly figures to Dianne.  

4) Scoring of the CC competition(s)

The contestant will receive 2 points for every run scored, 20 points
for every catch. They will also receive 1 bonus point for every
training they turn up to, and 1 bonus point for everytime they do
scoring and/or umpiring duty. They will also receive 10 bonus points
for every not out received.

In bowling, the CC will receive EITHER 5 point for every percentage
drop of crappy balls, OR 25 points for every wicket taken.  The CC (as
opposed to the crappy bowler) is able to chose the better of these
week by week.  It is assumed that the crappy bowler will go for at
least 5 an over.  For every run less than this, they shall receive a
point.  However, more than two maidens in one match will raise
eyebrows, and more than three such matches will get them kicked out.

The winner is based upon percentage of points over games played.  In
all forms of the competition, they need to have played at least 5
games to qualify.  

EACH WEEK there is a bonus 10 points, in whichever field you nominate
up, for grabs.  This is achieved by writing of your conquests or even
disasters on the field,, in such a way that will keep the CC convenor
amused and happy, and living vicariously in her own off season. (lets
face it, she relates more to the disasters).  The allocation of these
points is entirely at the CCConvenors discretion.  If in the area, she
can be bribed with beer.

A minor point:  It is entirely likely that the CCConvenor will move
house soon, and therefore not be able to pinch her flatmates computer.
Therefore, not hearing from her is no excuse not to post your results!
After all, it is terrible enough to imagine her in that computer
deprived state without her not even having any things to work her way
through when she DOES get online.  Otherwise, you SHOULD get a weekly
update of what is happening.

This is a call to all and sundry out there to get out there and play.
Age is not excuse!  Total lack of ability is no excuse!  You may not
be able to do much, but this wonderful prize is IN YOUR GRASP!!!

Do it, do it, do it!!!!!!!

My quote of the month:

You can have a hangover from other things than ***.  I had one from women.  Women made me sick.

Girly "Oooh, you are so clever" noises made to the first one who emails me with the source.