Scientists at USA Network are close to a breakthrough in their time-travel
research, sources at the cable channel said this morning.
"With any luck, we can tell viewers the result of both the men's and women's
finals in the first minute of Thursday's coverage," color commentator John
Asked whether this technology might be put to better use, perhaps to better
prepare for natural disasters, tennis anchorman Bill Macatee said, "Nothing
is more important than sapping tennis matches of all their drama."
Sources said the new focus on spoiling results might be the result of a
spate of stupid complaints about the network's generally good coverage over
the first week and a half of the event. "If they want the coverage to suck,
we'll make it suck," the source quoted McEnroe as saying.