SH: "Suicide Hotline"
SA: "My name is Scott Abraham, and I'm considering suicide."
SH: Scott Abraham? You've been on Suicide Watch for months. It's
about time you called. It says on my computer that you own guns. Do
you have a loaded gun in your hand?
SA: Yes. I always carry a gun.
SH: Good. Listen carefully. Put the muzzle in your mouth, and point
it up to the roof of your mouth, and carefully squeeze the trigger.
SA: Aren't you supposed to be talking me out of suicide?
SH: Not you. It says on my computer that you're a worthless piece of
shit, with no redeeming qualities. It says here that even losers look
down on you. I even get a bonus if you kill yourself while talking to
me. It says that you've ***ed your mother, your brother, sheep, and
carney freaks. You have no friends, and you live in your mother's
ba***t. Something about being an oxygen thief, and you enjoy
imitating a talking urinal. The only good thing about you is that
homeless winos that are panhandling can carry signs that say, "At
least I'm not Scott Abraham."
SH: now, do you have that gun in your mouth? I'm trying to earn that
My T-shirt says, "This shirt is the
ultimate power in the universe."