Dave Berry's take on the NBC Olympic Coverage

Dave Berry's take on the NBC Olympic Coverage

Post by Tracyne Heldma » Thu, 08 Aug 1996 04:00:00


I got this off a newsgroup at work.  Enjoy!

      Live From NBC! Drum Roll
      Please.
      By Dave Barry
      Knight-Ridder Newspapers

      ATLANTA (KRT) -- And now for my
      impression of the Olympics on TV:

      TRUMPETS: BOM! BOM! BOM-BOM
      BOM BOM BOM!

      BOB COSTAS: Good evening, and as
      you can tell by the sound of the Olympic
      Theme Song that we play almost as
      much as we show Kerri Strug's historic
      vault, it's time for our broadcast of The
      Recently Videotaped Olympic Games
      Featuring Americans. We're going to
      start by taking you right to the
      track-and-field stadium, where the
      men's 100-meter dash is about to get
      under way, despite the fact that it
      actually happened four hours ago.

      TRACK COMMENTATOR: Bob, this
      promises to be an exciting race, featuring
      Americans.

      COSTAS: And what are the obstacles
      that these Americans have overcome to
      create a Human Interest Factor for our
      broadcast?

      TRACK COMMENTATOR: Bob, from
      left to right, they have overcome
      psoriasis, vertigo and a bad allergy to
      vinaigrette dressing.

      COSTAS: We'll come back to the men's
      100-meter final, but right now we're going
      to replay the video of Kerri Strug, an
      American, overcoming her ankle to
      make her courageous vault.

      (Kerri Strug vaults.)

      COSTAS: What a human moment!
      Time for a commercial.

      ANNOUNCER: We're IBM. We're a
      giant corporation with vast computer
      expertise. That's why we're in charge of
      keeping track of all the statistics for
      these, the Olympic Games of 1953.
      Thank you.

      BOM! BOM! BOMBOM BOM BOM
      BOM!

      COSTAS: Now we're going to take you
      to women's beach volleyball, where the
      sun is shining brightly despite the fact
      that it is now 10:37 p.m. on the East
      Coast.

      BEACH VOLLEYBALL
      COMMENTATOR: Thanks, Bob. This is
      Holly McPeak, an American, and as you
      can see in this digitized,
      computer-enhanced,
      ultra-slow-motion Beach Cam closeup
      shot, she has overcome cellulite.

      COSTAS: I'll say. When is she going to
      serve?

      BEACH VOLLEYBALL
      COMMENTATOR: She'll be serving in
      about 4 seconds, Bob.

      COSTAS: I'm sorry, but we don't have
      that kind of time, because we need to
      show this Heartwarming Moment.

      (Kerri Strug vaults.)

      COSTAS: Now let's go out to the cycling
      competition, where I believe we have a
      race involving an American.

      CYCLING COMMENTATOR: That is
      correct, Bob. We have an American
      shown here pedaling furiously in 637th
      place, with a solid chance to move up to
      636th.

      COSTAS: What obstacle has this
      American overcome?

      CYCLING COMMENTATOR: Bob, he
      is overcoming one hellacious case of
      hemorrhoids.

      COSTAS: We'll have more on that
      exciting cycling race, but right now we're
      going to return to the Olympic track
      stadium for an update on the men's
      100-meter dash.

      TRACK COMMENTATOR: Bob, the
      race started about two seconds ago and
      should be over in about eight more
      seconds. None of the Americans has
      fallen down.

      COSTAS: We're going to break away
      from the men's 100-meter dash at this
      point, but we will be covering it
      throughout the course of the evening.
      Right now, however, we want you to see
      this moment, captured by our NBC
      cameras.

      (Kerri Strug vaults.)

      COSTAS: Now let's head out to the pool
      to check on the progress of the American
      swimmers, all of whom have overcome
      asthma.

      SWIMMING COMMENTATOR: Bob,
      here we see an American swimmer
      winning a race. This happened earlier.

      COSTAS: How much earlier?

      SWIMMING COMMENTATOR:
      Twenty-four years, Bob. This is Mark
      Spitz.

      COSTAS: Time for this commercial.

      ANNOUNCER: We're the Nike
      Corporation. We pay famous athletes
      millions of dollars to wear our shoes.
      Because of this, you, the public, pay
      absurdly high prices for these shoes. Is
      that stupid, or what? Thank you.

      BOM! BOM! BOMBOM BOM BOM
      BOM!

      (Kerri Strug vaults.)

      COSTAS: OK, right now there are
      exciting gold-medal competitions going
      on in archery, shooting, rowing,
      kayaking, table tennis, softball,
      volleyball, team handball and judo, so
      right now we're going to take you to
      beach volleyball.

      BEACH VOLLEYBALL
      COMMENTATOR: Bob, as you can see,
      American Holly McPeak is bending over.

      COSTAS: I'll say.

      BOM! BOM! BOMBOM BOM BOM
      BOM!

      (Kerri Strug vaults.)

                ---------------

 
 
 

Dave Berry's take on the NBC Olympic Coverage

Post by Richard Botteril » Fri, 09 Aug 1996 04:00:00

Quote:

> I got this off a newsgroup at work.  Enjoy!

>       Live From NBC! Drum Roll
>       Please.
>       By Dave Barry
>       Knight-Ridder Newspapers

>       ATLANTA (KRT) -- And now for my
>       impression of the Olympics on TV:

(snip details of impression)

Oh GOD, that was PRICELESS!  ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

p&m

--
Richard and Sun Valley
Brandon, Manitoba, Canada


 
 
 

Dave Berry's take on the NBC Olympic Coverage

Post by Equinimi » Sat, 10 Aug 1996 04:00:00

Fabulous!

(Kerri Strugg vaults)

I certainly hope Dave Barry is assigned to the Republican and Democratic
conventions. Otherwise, there would be no point in following them at all.

(Kerri Strugg vaults)

Thank you,

Claudia, and Roy ("Who's Kerri Strugg?")

 
 
 

Dave Berry's take on the NBC Olympic Coverage

Post by Mary McHu » Sat, 10 Aug 1996 04:00:00


|>I got this off a newsgroup at work.  Enjoy!
|>
|>      Live From NBC! Drum Roll
|>      Please.
|>      By Dave Barry
|>      Knight-Ridder Newspapers
|>        
|>      ATLANTA (KRT) -- And now for my
|>      impression of the Olympics on TV:
|>      
|>      TRUMPETS: BOM! BOM! BOM-BOM
|>      BOM BOM BOM!

Snip of olympic dialog...

Hey, I thought this was supposed to be a spoof.  It is more like exactly
what happened :-}.  Except that the only clip I saw more than Kerri Strug
vaulting was Domenique Morceanu falling on her head on the balance beam.
In the words of ET:   Ooooooouuuuuucccchhh.

So why do you suppose they don't require Troxel helmets for gymnasts?

Thanks Tracyne.

Mary McHugh
Olympic armchair athlete

 
 
 

Dave Berry's take on the NBC Olympic Coverage

Post by TheaterS » Sun, 11 Aug 1996 04:00:00

Hmmm. . . from what little I saw of the Olympics (Kerri Strug vaulting)
due to the Olympic-sized MARTA crowds (because everyone wanted to get home
to see Kerri Strug vaulting), sounds awfully accurate (for a spoof)  to
me!!

Sue M., who overcame the mountains of PA to get to Atlanta to be at these
Games of the XXVI Olympiad. . .


"Hey, I may be young and in college, but I'm not dumb--yet. . ."

 
 
 

Dave Berry's take on the NBC Olympic Coverage

Post by Mary Jorda » Mon, 12 Aug 1996 04:00:00

Quote:

> Hmmm. . . from what little I saw of the Olympics (Kerri Strug vaulting)
> due to the Olympic-sized MARTA crowds (because everyone wanted to get home
> to see Kerri Strug vaulting), sounds awfully accurate (for a spoof)  to
> me!!

> Sue M., who overcame the mountains of PA to get to Atlanta to be at these
> Games of the XXVI Olympiad. . .


> "Hey, I may be young and in college, but I'm not dumb--yet. . ."
>>That's Dave Barry.