***s, and Joey Styles Kills Off TNA
Cold Open: Mr. McMahon announces he's taking the night off (Yay!) and he's
making the Spirit Squad co-General Managers (Boo!). The Squad announce a
couple of nondescript matches my fingers refuse to type. Maybe Vince is
getting out of the way to start the ECW angle.
Not long for this world Joey Styles is calling the action, marking it the
first time anyone ever listened to Chris Cruise. Coach isn't there. Jerry
Mickie James & Victor face Torrie Wilson & Maria. They're dressed in cute
little cheerleader skirts for their cute little match. The faces are in N.C.
State red while the heels, ironically, are in Duke blue. One Armed Trish
Stratus trips Mickie James and she gets pinned. Too bad Herb Sendek didn't
think of that; the Pack wouldn't be the laughing stock of college
Three of the Spirit Squad (Manny & Moe & Jack) face the Odd Squad (Snitsky &
Eugene & Goldust). Everyone ever associated with ECW who's still alive runs
down and beats the sh-- out of everyone involved because obviously no one
books ***like this straight.
Mick Foley is the special guest on the Cutting Edge. Joey keeps bragging
about the privilege he had of calling that match.
Todd Grisham asks Eugene how it felt to lose. He says Uncle Eric taught him
never to quit. "Wait, no he didn't, he always wanted me to quit. Kiss my
butt, Uncle Eric, at least I have a job." That was funny. Matt Striker
brains Eugene with a dictionary.
The Spirit Squad gives Shawn Michaels the night off as a wrestler, but makes
him referee Kane's match against Rob Conway. They give him a yellow ref's
shirt with May 19th in big letters. Big Show tells Charlie Haas that
Michaels will think of something (to get out of Kane's stupid angle).
Rob Conway comes down for his match with Kane. Conway laughs at ref Shawn
Michaels so HBK superkicks Conway and puts the May 19th shirt on him. That
was clever. An enraged Kane mauls Conway. Michaels gives Kane a trash can.
Kane crushes Conway with it, then leaves. HBK takes a mic, leans next to the
comatose Conway, and yells "May 19th!" Kane comes back and Tombstones Conway
for the win. You can tell by Michaels's overacting what he thinks of this
Armando Alejandro Estrada introduces Umaga, who decimated 16 time World
Champion Ric Flair last night and isn't over in the slightest for his
trouble. Rory Fox gets killed. Umaga does a frogsplash. Which reminds me,
what happened to that Chavo Guerrero retirement angle?
Candace Michelle wants Mr. McMahon to heal her ***gytus. (***gytus...
*** - get it?) They start to***on the couch, but a scarred up Triple H
interrupts with some lame *** joke. Mr. McMahon wants him to be the
special ref in the John Cena defends against Spirit Squad's Kenny Doan
match. The Game will do it, if Mr. McMahon promises to give him Kenny's
first title defense with the Squad banned from ringside.
Mr. McMahon reminds him, "You're the Game but I'm The Boss. What did you
call me, an old man? The next title shot you get, you might be an old man."
Our hero Triple H stares at Mr. McMahon, then walks off.
Lita is in the ring to introduce Edge for the Cutting Edge. Edge limps down
to the ring. He ***es about outshining Cena and Triple H last night and
not getting pinned. He doesn't get any respect around here. His victory was
tarnished because it was called by some third-rate ECW reject Joey Styles.
"Oh My God, Joey, you suck. Still, I stole the show at WrestleMania." He
intros Mick Foley.
Foley says he watched the tape; things did not go wrong at Mania, they went
right. He was more prepared, more focused, more *** than ever and it
was the greatest *** match in wrestling history. (If you say so, Mick.)
He says he came face to face with the toughest son of a *** in the WWE. He
offers his hand and Edge shakes it. They show the flaming table spot over
Foley: There it is, my defining WrestleMania moment. You knew I'd taken
years off your life and you'd never want to go through that type of hell
again. I do want to go through it again, tonight. WrestleMania rematch,
right here in Columbus Ohio!
Edge: You conveniently wait until the night after I got chaired, my
girlfriend got spinebustered, I've got laryngitis so you're on! (pause)...
You're on crack. I'm not fighting you tonight. Next week, I'll take you on
in any match you want.
Foley: Next week on Raw I'll be cutting Edge with barbed wire, thumb tacks,
any sharp object you can find.
This will segue next week into the Extreme return.
Chris Masters cuts a lifeless promo on Carlito, then on Rob Van Dam, whom he
challenges to a Masterlock challenge. RVD is so dumb he forgets to wait for
Masters to put up some money. Hilariously, producer Jim Ross must have
realized what the writers forgot and has Lawler try to cover. RVD is in the
Masterlock when Shelton Benjamin attacks RVD. They double-team RVD until
Carlito grabs a chair and saves RVD. This actual wrestling angle e***s the
fans until Spirit Squad Moe appears and recites a poem that simultaneously
makes this a tag match while killing off the heat.
RVD & Carlito face Shelton Benjamin & Chris Masters. If The Squad wasn't bad
enough, we switch to a shot of Mr. McMahon and Mrs. Michelle starting to
***again on the coach. I wonder who turned him down this week. Then Joey
Styles is called to the back because of a note from the Spirit Squad, so
Lawler calls the match by himself. I figured Styles was toast, but that's
bizarre. Charlie Haas grabs a chair out of Benjamin's hands and Carlito
rolls him up for the pin.
Backstage, the Spirit Squad tells Joey Styles he has a distinct lack of
spirit and Kenny doesn't need his negative spirit when he wins the title
tonight. They show him the cheerleader skirt he'll have to wear next week if
he doesn't do it right. Everyone ever associated with ECW who's still alive
runs down and beats the sh-- out of everyone involved because obviously no
one books ***like this straight.
Lawler mocks Styles when he comes back. "C'mon Joey, show us some spirit
like you did in ECW. You know, Oh my god, Kenny is the WWE champion!" Joey
acts like he might cry.
"If this was ECW I wouldn't be working with a hack like you. You want to see
Joey slaps Lawler hard. Lawler piefaces Joey.
Crowd: ECW! ECW! ECW!
After the break, Lawler sincerely apologizes to Joey, saying he was just
trying to have some fun. C'mon back.
Styles appears and goes off on one hell of a Heyman rant and says everything
that needed to be said for so long. Jeff Jarrett and Mike Tenay ought to be
sitting at home with their heads in their hands, except I bet Jarrett isn't
John Cena defends the WWE Title against Kenny Doane, with Triple H as
special referee. Todd Grisham takes Styles's place as play-by-play
announcer. Cena quickly goes for the FU but Triple H punches him in the
face. The five Squaders beat up Cena, then Kenny keeps going for pins but
Cena kicks out. Kenny complains because the UnCerebral Assassin won't cheat
and make the final three count. Grisham explains that The Game is pouting
because Mr. McMahon hurt his feelings or something. Finally Triple H throws
down on the Spirit Squad.
Shawn Michaels appears on the ramp with a ref shirt as Triple H is leaving.
They stare at each other. Great moment. Michaels runs down to count, then
cheats for Cena. Michaels and Cena fight the Squad, then Cena pins Kenny
with a FU. Because of the rub from Triple H and Michaels, Cena gets mostly
Smart stuff. Triple H gets another step closer to good-guydom, DX gets
another step closer to reunification, and Cena gets another step closer to
EDITOR'S NOTE: Bruce Mitchell, pro wrestling's most respected and
influential columnist for the past 16 years, will be making his return to
the free version of PWTorch.com (for the past few years, he's been writing
exclusively for the VIP site and Torch Newsletter) later this week with an
all-new regular feature.