from THE IDES OF MARCH '98- ITALY (March 15, 1998)
Mike Haynes: My god, Eric Smart is out of here! He is not happy about
this!! He is storming off towards the locker rooms, he doesn't even care
about the outcome of the match.
Kevin Diamond: He just grabbed a kid's Sonic Kid sign and ripped it to
shreds. The Sonic Kid's yelling something in Mexican....maybe he's
placing his order with Eric Smart for when they go to Taco Bell later on.
Mike Haynes: Somehow I doubt that. HERE COMES "THE BAD DOG" SCOTT
HAGGARTY! HAGGARTY locks up with Nevermind. Haggarty pushes Nevermind
into the corner. Haggarty with blows to the gut of Nevermind. Nevermind
is weakening! HAGGARTY puts NEVERMIND ON THE TOP TURNBUCKLE!! IS HE
GOING FOR IT!?! IS HE GOING FOR IT!!??! IS IT TIME FOR THE TWISTER???
Kevin Diamond: Nevermind just shoved Haggarty off of him and quickly
made the tag to Iron Spike.
Mike Haynes: Scott Haggarty wanted the Mercenary to get in there, but
Merc wouldn't put his hand out for the tag.
Kevin Diamond: We're down to four on the Merc/Tyler team and three left
on the Haggarty team.
Mike Haynes: The AoD was the first and only casualty of the Merc/Tyler
team, while Haggarty has lost the services of Seth Killjoy and his
co-captain Eric Smart.
Kevin Diamond: The huge Iron Spike locks up with Scott Haggarty. Spike
pushes Haggarty back with his obvious strength advantage.
Mike Haynes: Spike pushed Haggarty back into the ropes. The referee is
calling for the break.....Spike got a huge right hand in on Haggarty,
Kevin Diamond: Spike with another roundhouse...BLOCKED BY HAGGARTY!!
Mike Haynes: HAGGARTY NAILED ONE OF HIS OWN....ANOTHER!!!
Kevin Diamond: ANOTHER ONE AND SPIKE GOES REELING!!! HAGGARTY GRABBED
SPIKE BY THE ARM.....IRISH WHIP ACROSS THE RING!!!
Mike Haynes: HAGGARTY DUCKS A CLOTHESLINE...HE TAGS IN _BOTH_ WILDSTAR
AND THE SONIC KID....IRON SPIKE BACK OFF THE ROPES......DOUBLE DROPKICK
BY WILDSTAR AND THE KID!!!!!!!!
Kevin Diamond: WHO'S THE LEGAL MAN????
Mike Haynes: I DON'T KNOW!!! WILDSTAR MAKES THE COVER!!!
NEVERMIND AND CHRIS TYLER RUN TO MAKE THE SAVE!!!!
SCOTT HAGGARTY THREW OUT HIS FOOT AND TRIPPED THEM BOTH!!!
3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IRON SPIKE IS OUTTA HERE!!!
Rick "The Ring" Announcer: IRON SPIKE HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!!!!
Kevin Diamond: THE MERCENARY JUST LEVELED SCOTT HAGGARTY WITH A RUNNING
Mike Haynes: BUT I GUESS WILDSTAR IS THE LEGAL MAN!!!
Kevin Diamond: WILDSTAR DROPKICKS THE MERCENARY OVER THE TOP ROPE!!!
Mike Haynes: The Mercenary fell all the way back to the barricade!! He
Kevin Diamond: WILDSTAR WITH A SUICIDE PLANCHA!!!! OH MY GOD...HE GOT ALL
Mike Haynes: Wildstar is pounding away on the Mercenary on the outside!!!
Kevin Diamond: THE SONIC KID IS RUNNING OFF THE ROPES FOR A SUICIDE
PLANCHA OF HIS OWN!!!!
Mike Haynes: OHHHH!!!!! CHRIS TYLER RAN FROM THE SIDE AND CAUGHT HIM IN
Kevin Diamond: Chris Tyler hooks a leg!!!
3!!!!!!!!!! THE SONIC KID HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!!!
Rick "The Ring" Announcer: The SONIC KID has been eliminated from this
contest. It is now 3 on 2!!
Mike Haynes: Chris Tyler took advantage of a quick pin to give his and
the Mercenary's team the advantage again.
Kevin Diamond: Wildstar jumps back into the ring and starts chopping
away on Chris Tyler. Ironic that someone's doing the chopping besides
Mike Haynes: The Mercenary is back up and makes his way towards the
ring. Wait, he's walking around to the other side of the ring.
Kevin Diamond: He's over near the Sonic Kid who is still unconscious
from the Homewrecker.
Mike Haynes: The Mercenary grabbed TSK's leg and is pulling him under the
Kevin Diamond: The Sonic Kid and the Mercenary have disappeared under the
ring. I didn't know they went that way!
Mike Haynes: KEVIN! Wildstar continues to take it to Chris Tyler in the
ring! Wildstar whips Tyler into the opposite corner.....HANDSPRING
Kevin Diamond: Wildstar with the cover......
Mike Haynes: Immediately broken up by Nevermind. Nevermind whips
Wildstar into the ropes.....WILDSTAR WITH AN ASAI MOONSAULT!!!
KICKOUT BY NEVERMIND!! SO CLOSE!!!
Kevin Diamond: WILDSTAR IS JUST TAKING IT TO BOTH GUYS IN THE RING!!!
Mike Haynes: Scott Haggarty is just sitting on the turnbuckle in the
corner. He's letting Wildstar take care of BOTH men!!!
Kevin Diamond: WILDSTAR WHIPS TYLER INTO THE CORNER!!
Mike Haynes: WILDSTAR HAS A HOLD OF NEVERMIND AND WHIPS _HIM_ INTO THE
CORNER......RIGHT INTO TYLER!!!
Kevin Diamond: WILDSTAR WITH A STINGER SPLASH ONTO BOTH MEN!!! NEVERMIND
FALLS TO THE GROUND! CHRIS TYLER FALLS TO THE GROUND!
Mike Haynes: Scott Haggarty jumps off his turnbuckle and grabs Nevermind
by his long purple hair. He throws Never to the outside and follows with
a double axehandle to the floor! WILDSTAR IS SIGNALING FOR THE SHOOTING
Kevin Diamond: He has Chris Tyler completely prone in the middle of the
ring. He puts one leg over the other and flips him over....THE SHOOTING
STAR IS LOCKED ON WITH NOWHERE TO GO FOR TYLER!!
Mike Haynes: OH MY GOD....what is that coming out of the ring??!?
Kevin Diamond: It's some woman with blonde hair and a really ugly dress.
She's tripping all over herself in her heels! Mike, I had no idea your
mama was here!!!
Mike Haynes: That's not my mama!! Oh lord...that's the SONIC KID!!
Kevin Diamond: The Mercenary now reappeared from under the ring....he is
Mike Haynes: The Mercenary must have dressed The Sonic Kid like that
Mimi woman from the Drew Carey Show. He's still too woozy to know what's
Kevin Diamond: Wildstar took one look at his partner and immediately let
go of Tyler! Tyler is crawling over to his corner.
Mike Haynes: Wildstar is over by the ropes...he has no idea what just
happened to his partner!! The referee is out there checking on the Kid's
Kevin Diamond: I think this would be a great subject for a Jerry
Springer show. Men who dress other men up like women, and the Wildstars
who love them.
Mike Haynes: Tyler just grabbed something from his corner.....THE
Kevin Diamond: He's probably got the munchies or something.
Mike Haynes: Tyler is slowly creeping towards Wildstar with his salami.
Kevin Diamond: After a line like that, this could easily be a Springer
Mike Haynes: TYLER SWINGS THE SALAMI.....BUT WILDSTAR CAUGHT HIM!!
Kevin Diamond: WILDSTAR DUCKS...TYLER SWINGS AROUND....WILDSTAR GOES FOR
THE ATOMIC DROP!!!
Mike Haynes: OHHH!!! TYLER _CAN__NOT_ BE HAPPY ABOUT THE PLACEMENT OF
WILDSTAR'S KNEE ON THAT ATOMIC DROP!!!
Kevin Diamond: Neither can the members of Tyler's lady harem!
Mike Haynes: WILDSTAR TAKES A RUNNING START OFF THE ROPES....
( ( ( ( ( SMACK ) ) ) ) )
Kevin Diamond: TYLER WOUND UP AND WHACKED WILDSTAR WITH THE SALAMI!!!
Mike Haynes: SALAMI HITTING SKIN DOES __NOT__ MAKE A SOUND LIKE THAT!!!
Kevin Diamond: So what, Haynes, you're an expert in that?
Mike Haynes: Wildstar is completely unconscious. He's not moving.
Kevin Diamond: Tyler is screaming for the referee to come back into the
ring. He makes the cover...
3!!!!!!!!! ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST!!!
Rick "The Ring" Announcer: WILDSTAR HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!! It is now a 3
Mike Haynes: Scott Haggarty is that last one remaining on his team.
Chris Tyler kicks that salami out of the ring. I still can't believe a
roll of processed meat was able to knock Wildstar completely unconscious.
Kevin Diamond: Mmmmmm. That got me hungry....I'll be back.
Mike Haynes: Kevin....KEVIN!!! Kevin Diamond has just stepped away from
the booth to retrieve Chris Tyler's giant roll of salami. The officials
are helping both Wildstar and the Sonic Kid to the back for medical
attention. Scott Haggarty is all alone to face Nevermind, Chris Tyler,
and the Mercenary.
Kevin Diamond: Hey, I'm back. I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hungry!!!
(Kevin bites a chunk out of the salami....a loud clang is heard.)
Mike Haynes: What the heck was that???
Kevin Diamond: My toof!!!!! I fink I froke my toof!!!!
Mike Haynes: THERE'S A STEEL ROD IN THAT ROLL OF SALAMI!! THAT'S WHAT
KNOCKED OUT WILDSTAR!!!
Kevin Diamond: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!
Mike Haynes: Scott Haggarty is in the ring, continuing to work over the
arm of Nevermind...he has him locked in a beautiful cross-arm breaker.
Kevin Diamond: Oh....I think I'm okay. I don't think I broke my tooth....
Kevin Diamond: AHHHHH!!! MY TOOTH IS RINGING!!!
Mike Haynes: That's not your tooth! That ringing noise is coming from the
Mercenary's Haliburton briefcase! He must have a cell phone in there.
Kevin Diamond: The Merc is coming over here to his briefcase. He just
snatched it away and opened it up to get the phone inside. Mike, try to
listen in to what he's saying.
Mike Haynes: I WILL NOT!!!
Kevin Diamond: You're good for SO little! Damn, the call's over. He's
putting the phone back into the case and is pulling out an aerosol
Mike Haynes: What could that be for?
Kevin Diamond: To touch up his hair before the match is over?? I don't
Mike Haynes: Nevermind was able to escape the cross-arm breaker and make
the tag to Chris Tyler. Now Chris Tyler is in the ring with Haggarty.
Tyler nails the elbow drop onto Haggarty. Tyler quick back up.
Kevin Diamond: The Mercenary is telling Tyler to bring Haggarty over to
him. Tyler's yelling that he has the match won.
Mike Haynes: This is the dissention that both men were trying to deny all
Kevin Diamond: The Merc is DEMANDING that Tyler brings Haggarty over.
Mike Haynes: Tyler is walking over to Merc...yelling that he is in
complete control and doesn't need his help!
Kevin Diamond: Tyler is right in front of Merc. This is accomplishing a
lot...Haggarty is back on his feet and he's walking over to both men!
Mike Haynes: THE MERCENARY SPRAYS THE AEROSOL CAN AT TYLER....TYLER
Kevin Diamond: THAT SPRAY WENT RIGHT INTO HAGGARTY'S EYES!!!
Mike Haynes: TYLER QUICKLY ROLLS HAGGARTY UP!!!
(DING, DING, DING!!!!!)
Rick "The Ring" Announcer: THE WINNERS OF THIS BOUT....THE MERCENARY,
"LADYKILLER" CHRIS TYLER, AND NEVERMIND!!!!
( ( ( ( CRASH!!!! ) ) ) )
Mike Haynes: OH!!!! THE MERCENARY JUST CRACKED CHRIS TYLER IN THE HEAD
WITH THE HALIBURTON!!! AND DOWN ACROSS HIS SKULL AGAIN!!!!
Kevin Diamond: I can see the can the Merc used...it was CRAB AWAY!!! He
meant to spray the Crab Away in Chris Tyler's eyes but accidentally got
Mike Haynes: Nevermind tries to break up the fight between his former
teammates and gets cracked in the head with the Haliburton for his
Kevin Diamond: Here come UEW officials down to the scene!!!
Mike Haynes: The Mercenary is continuing to smack that Haliburton across
the heads and backs of Tyler, Haggarty, and Nevermind. FINALLY, the
officials are able to break this up!!!
[The camera fades, and cuts back to Josh Taylor and Kevin Diamond at the NAZ
Kevin Diamond- Okay, let me take this......Eric Smart was never seen again,
The Angel of Death who is now known as Eric Travers is back on the disabled
list with no sign of ever coming off, Iron Spike WHO?, Wildstar and The
Sonic Kid both left soon after to explore their feelings for each other, and
Dr. Seth Killjoy lost every match until he was kicked out of UEW a few
Josh Taylor- "The Bad Dog" Scott Haggarty is still gainfully employed and as
popular as ever. In fact, he's going up against your man, Kevin, Butch "The
Grim Reaper" Morrison at the Extra Dark before HOLIDAY HORROR 3.
Kevin Diamond- And I took my notes......spray him in the eyes. Got it!
Josh Taylor- Following that match, The Mercenary and Nevermind began what
was to be a series of three absolutely brutal matches. One for the American
title, one where Merc's wrist was shattered, and the other one was the
famous Coal Miner's Glove match from SUMMER DREAMS '98. Chris Tyler went on
to feud with the man who made the cellphone call, Magnus Colby, eventually
taking the UEW American championship from him at DREAMS.
Kevin Diamond- Only to lose it to Nevermind at RUMBLE IN THE BRONX three
months later. Who would have thought after that match that eight months
later, Merc and Tyler would be good pals and Nevermind would be the
arch-rival of both.
Josh Taylor- Not I, but who ever expects the ironic twists and turns that
you get in UEW. And not surprisingly, most of them revolve around the New
Kevin Diamond- Very true. If it's big, wet, hairy, and smells like
trouble....it's either a New Alliance plot, or Magnus Colby's mattress.
Josh Taylor- During the unforgettable "Four Pillars of Hell" match, the main
event of SUMMER DREAMS '98, Rick Styles and the New Alliance executed the
plan of all plans. First, they hired Rob Magnum to eliminate Jeff Matthews
from the match.
Kevin Diamond- Similar to the way they recently hired Magnum to eliminate
Chris Tyler. Actually, if I was Rick Styles, I'd demand my money back.
Josh Taylor- Then, they used Matthews' own "manager" to eliminate both
Robski and Rick Styles' "manager", who happened to be Magnus Colby.
Kevin Diamond- Colby and his recently kicked-out-of-the-NA best friend Alex
Extreme concocted a plan to cost Styles the Ultimate title. Styles,
possessing at least two brain cells, saw the plot a mile away and developed
his own plan to thwart the attempted thwarting.
Josh Taylor- What Styles did was make a secret arrangement with Jeff
Matthews' ringside support, "Hot Stuff" Alex Martinez, to eliminate Styles'
competition...and then eliminate Magnus Colby!
Kevin Diamond- Magnus Colby, possessing several trust funds but no brain
cells in sight, did not see the plot coming....and promptly got Firebomb
chokeslammed through the ring stairs by the newest NA member, Alex Martinez.
Josh Taylor- Needless to say, Magnus Colby was not happy. So he laid out a
challenge to the man who had tried to end his career.
Kevin Diamond- Yeah, he challenged him to a match where ONE of their careers
was going to end, whether they liked it or not.
Josh Taylor- So Martinez accepted, and the first Ultimate Death Match was
Kevin Diamond- After that match, and what happened to the two participants
involved, we thought we'd never see anything that insane ever again...but
that was until Alex Extreme was stupid enough to accept Alex Martinez'
challenge for another UDM. Extreme, take a careful look....because you do
not want any part of this kind of madness, especially in your condition.
Josh Taylor- It may be a cliche, but change the channel now if you tend to
Kevin Diamond- And turn up the volume if you like this kind of sh[BLEEP].
Josh Taylor- This match is not for the weak of heart, or stomach.
Kevin Diamond- We won't think any less of you if you turn the channel, but
then again, we don't think much of you at all. Why do you think we give you
Johnny Bod matches week after week?
Josh Taylor- Here it is....arguably the most *** match in UEW
history....and that's saying a lot.
Kevin Diamond- Not enough if we're having another one in less than a week.
But then again, we might not if these guys take a look at what they're
getting themselves into.
Josh Taylor- So here it is, from the August 1, 1998 ***SATURDAY NIGHT
SPECIAL***, the extraordinary Ultimate Death Match between "Black Knight"
Alex Martinez and "Widowmaker" Magnus Colby.
UEW FLASHBACK- ***SATURDAY NIGHT SPECIAL***- August 1, 1998
Chris Flint- And in our opening bout, we will see a first-time ever Ultimate
Death match between Magnus Colby and "Hot Stuff" Alex Martinez. The leader
of Widowmakers Inc. will take on the newest member of the New Alliance in
probably the craziest UEW match to date!!
Kevin Diamond- Which says a lot! There's something like a pile of bricks in
one corner, a concrete wall in another corner, land mines, exploding
thumbtacks, baseball bats....but then again, that's a regular day over in
Chris Flint- Their war started at Summer Dreams when Martinez attacked Colby
from behind and choke-slammed him into the steel steps. The only place to go
from there is straight down...and both these men are prepared to go as far
down as possible to defeat the other. We're in store for what should be an
incredible matchup....let's send it to the ring where Joe Bruise and The
Evil Masked Broadcaster are waiting at ringside.
[The scene shifts down to the ring. The ring is not looking like itself
today. The ropes are GONE, replaced by BARBED WIRE! In one corner is
stacked a huge pile of bricks, taller than the corner itself! In the
opposite corner, three large boxes of thumbtacks! Adjacent to this, laying
in another corner, a shiny new pair of studded brass knuckles. And opposite
to that, two aluminum bats lean in the corners.
The camera takes all of this in, and pans over to the ringside broadcast
table, where two men in blazers stand. One wears a simple red blazer, and
is a friendly-looking middle-aged man, with curly white hair... Joe
Bruise. His broadcast partner stands next to him, in an official
Aqua-and-Black New Word Order blazer, and a featureless black mask... the
infamous Evil Masked Broadcaster! He's wringing his hands e***dly.]
Joe Bruise: Hello, everyone, and welcome to ringside for...
The Evil Masked Broadcaster: SILENCE! Pathetic mewling lamb, you are not
evil enough to give this gloriously evil ***bath a properly insidious
introduction! Only I, The Evil Masked Broadcaster, Lord and Master of the
fearsome Aqua-and-Black broadcasting swarm of impending doom, the New Word
Order, can give this hideously diabolical match of DEATH a properly evil
Bruise: OK, go ahead.
TEMB: I can sum it all up like this...
Bruise: Vincent Price would be proud. Anyway, I'm Joe Bruise, my broadcast
colleague is The Evil Masked Broadcaster, and we are here to call the
TEMB: MUHAHAHAHAAA! DEATH DEATH DEATH!!!!
Bruise: Ever since we got this assignment, he's been like this... *sigh*.
TEMB: And before we get underway, I would like to address the subject of
Bruise: Oh, no...
TEMB: DEATH is an inevitable, honorable part of life. But that cheesy
neon-green fool Kevin Diamond has been fleeing his foretold fate for far too
long! Diamond, I issue you a challenge! This DEATH match is inspiring
me... I challenge you, to take your three JOB Squad losers, and in one
months time, I will have two of my NWO members at their EVILEST, ready to
SLAUGHTER and KILL! I challenge your Squad to a 6-Man Tag Match! If we win,
Diamond must leave UEW! And if we lose... I'LL UNMASK!
Bruise: What... THAT'S A POINTLESS, STUPID RUNNING GAG, AND NOW YOU'RE GOING
TO FIGHT OVER IT? Forget it, don't answer that... there are MUCH more
important things to worry about! Like this match, for instance.
The matchup between the head of Widowmakers Incorporated, "Widow Maker"
Magnus Colby, and the young gun of the New Alliance, 7-footer "Hot Stuff"
Alex Martinez, will be ***y, brutal, and graphically ***!
TEMB: I like it too.
Bruise: So we would like to give a warning right now, to all those watching
that may have children, or have a weak stomach.
[The following appears on screen... Joe Bruise reads it aloud.]
D I S C L A I M E R
The following matchup may contain scenes of EXTREMELY
graphic ***. Parents are strongly advised to use
extreme caution in allowing young children to view this
match. If you have a weak stomach or heart, you may
wish to use your television controls to dim out the
screen. Don't turn the channel... besides, there's
else good on in this time slot.
TEMB: Or, to put it a different way...
[TEMB pulls a remote control out of his pocket and hits a button... the
D I S C L A I M E R
If you are a wuss, don't watch this match; it's too
good for the likes of you.
Bruise: Forget it... the war between these men has escalated ever since
Summer Dreams '98, and this match was demanded by Alex Martinez under the
pretense of a contract clause... which, I'm told, does not actually exist,
but in any case, he got his match. And when you make your bed, you just may
end up lying in it!
TEMB: Martinez is New Alliance; he doesn't need a bed to lie in... he can
lie anywhere, anytime! And he lied to Colby, and tricked him into accepting
this match! Classic New Alliance lack of respect for everything! Deception
and abuse... my favorite evil combination!
Bruise: And Magnus Colby did not back down from the big man! He accepted
the challenge... and HERE WE GO!
Rick "The Ring" Announcer: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN... OUR OPENING CONTEST; IT
IS... AN __ULTIMATE DEATH MATCH___!!!
[BOOMING CROWD POP! A pop which swifty and utterly turns to BOOOOOs as
"Dammit" by Blink 182 bursts out over the PA!]
RTRA: INTRODUCING FIRST...
FROM LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA...
WEIGHING IN AT THREE HUNDRED TEN POUNDS...
ACCOMPANIED TO THE RING BY LADY VERONICA... REPRESENTING THE NEW ALLIANCE...
"HHOOTT SSTTUUFF" AAAAAAAALLLLLLLEEEEEEEEXXXXXX MMMAAARRRTTTIIINNNEEEZZZ!!
[Lady Veronica, resplendent in a red evening gown, matching her long, curly
hair, walks out to a significant male pop, and not far behind her strides
"Hot Stuff" Alex Martinez. He wears long black trunks, with flame
emblazoned on the sides in red-and-gold. His trademark mirrorshades are
noticeably absent, as is his ring jacket, but he is clutching his fists
which are adorned with the fingerless black leather gloves that Martinez
usually wears. Martinez moves swifty and with conviction, but there is
something in his eyes that defies description... like the look of a berserk
warrior as he approaches battle. Veronica stops well short of the
ring, and Martinez slides in under the bottom wire... opening a cut on his
back. He doesn't even seem to notice.]
TEMB: Look at Martinez... he's got the eyes of a homicidal madman here
tonight! Maybe he'll BE a homicidal madman tonight! I love a good ***!
Bruise: Oh, brother. And Kyle Kamikaze is here! The mano-a-mano rules
prevent his interference, but NOT his presence... so we'll see what happens.
RTRA: AND HIS OPPONENT...
[The lights go down as the music stops, and green light floods the UEW
Gardens! Everything everywhere is bathed in green, and "Money Talks" by
AC/DC opens up to an AWESOME POP!]
RTRA: FROM CHICAGO, ILLINOIS...
WEIGHING THREE HUNDRED POUNDS...
ACCOMPANIED TO THE RING BY THOMAS J. SMITH... REPRESENTING WIDOWMAKERS
[As dollar bills rain down from above, Magnus Colby storms out of the back.
He is followed by his manager for tonight, Thomas J. Smith. Colby wears
mid-length black trunks, and boots, and his brown hair is cut short,
giving his angular face a determined look. Smith wears an Armani suit, and
looks rather nervous, this being the first time he's ever been in a match in
a non-announcer capacity, but Colby just looks ready. He gets on
the apron, hops over the wire... and it's on!]
Bruise: BOTH MEN ATTACK!
TEMB: Colby and Martinez exchanging in center ring! Right by Colby! Left
by Martinez! An elbow by Martinez! European uppercut by Colby! Colby with
a headbutt! Martinez with an ear clap! Martinez with a knee! Colby
with an eyerake! Forearm by Colby! Right hand by Martinez... then a left!
Colby with a double axehandle! And a head***by Magnus Colby! WHAT A FIGHT!
Bruise: They are literally toe-to-toe, and there's already action outside!
ALEX EXTREME is here! He and Kyle are face to face! Since neither one are
legal in this matchup, they can legally hit each other! AND THEY DO!
TEMB: TWO SLUGFESTS FOR THE PRICE OF ONE! Chop by Martinez! Forearm by
Martinez! Left hand by Colby! Overhand chop by Colby! THEY'RE TOOTH AND
Bruise: And Thomas Smith is pulling the brass knuckles out of the ring! Now
he's moving over to the thumbtacks! SMITH IS STEALING THE WEAPONS!
TEMB: HEY! I WANT TO SEE ***, YOU LITTLE...
Bruise: He can legally do it... he's a legal manager! The same defense that
the New Alliance used! KAMIKAZE RAKES EXTREME'S EYES AND RUNS FOR SMITH!
TEMB: Smith jumped over the railing and into the crowd! He made off with
the knucks, and two of the three boxes of thumbtacks!
Bruise: And Extreme dropkicks him from behind! In the ring, Colby with an
eyerake... AND HE GRABS A BAT!
TEMB: MARTINEZ FOLLOWS SUIT! They're having a DUEL in center ring with
Bruise: They're swinging and parrying with those aluminum bats! Martinez
with a BIG swing... WHIFF!
TEMB: AND COLBY BLASTS HIM IN THE RIBS WITH HIS BAT! NOW IN THE HEAD!
Bruise: Magnus Colby just LEVELED Alex Martinez! Now he's *** him with
the bat handle! Martinez is down and in trouble... remember... the ONLY way
to lose this match is to be put down for a full 20 count, and
that means unconsciousness!
TEMB: Or... DEATH DEATH DEATH!!! MUHAHAHAAA!
Bruise: Extreme hiptosses Kamikaze into the crowd and follows him! We've
got two matches for the price of one!
TEMB: Martinez POWERS Colby off of him! And Colby DRIVES the end of the bat
into the ribs of Martinez!
Bruise: Martinez's bat is out of his hands... Martinez backs up to the
corner... OW! Colby JAMS the bat handle into the nose of Alex Martinez!
TEMB: My Evil Tactic Sense is tingling... signaling horror!
TEMB: MUHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!! MARTINEZ DROVE THE LAST BOX OF THUMBTACKS OVER
MAGNUS COLBY'S HEAD!!!
Bruise: LOOK AT THAT! A THIN STREAM OF *** IS RUNNING OUT FROM UNDER THE
BOX, WHICH IS JAMMED OVER THE HEAD OF COLBY! TACKS FLY EVERYWHERE!!
TEMB: Notice that the referee is calling this match from the floor! Smart
guy! But now Colby's stuck! And boy, did Martinez ever stick him! MUHAHA!
Bruise: Colby throws the box off his head... HE'S GOT ABOUT TEN THUMBTACKS
STUCK IN HIS HEAD!
TEMB: NOT ANYMORE! That clothesline by Martinez just knocked them all out!
Colby falls to the canvas... and there's a horrid zone of ***y pain
covering one quarter of the ring, as sharp thumbtacks lie in wait of
some soft flesh to penetrate!
Bruise: Martinez may just oblige them then! He picks up Colby!
TEMB: PRESS SLAM INTO THE TACKS! COLBY SCREAMS IN PAIN AND AGONY AND
SUFFERING! Oh, what a joyful sound!