Role-play/Critique

Role-play/Critique

Post by The Unforgiven O » Sun, 12 Sep 1999 04:00:00


Critiques are welcome for this most recent Steppenwulf flash from MLW, before
his match at the "MLW: Homecoming" Free-For-All(which he won). Steppenwulf has
quickly become my most sought after character, so feel free to take a look at
his work. Probably not his best, but it is good.

[The scene fades into one of the Karachellian Cult Temples. The podium
with the emblem of the Cult emblazoned on the front stands as a thing of
worship... but it stands empty. The entire Temple is empty except for two
souls. Standing, or rather kneeling, in front of the podium is Karachel's
newest pupil, Steppenwulf. His furs lay in front of him, with his Khuri
Dagger on top. Steppenwulf is kneeling with his back straight and his arms
extended outwards to his side. He softly mutters a few foreign words which
are incomprehendible to english ears. Sitting in one of the benches is the
child, Shiang-Li. She sits with quietly, looking at the ground. Then, the
soft footsteps of another are heard. Steppenwulf, deeply into his
"prayer", pays no heed to it, neither does Shiang-Li.]

[The Guard Captain enters, the very same that Steppenwulf threatened to
kill in front of Karachel's chambers. He looks at Steppenwulf, who doesn't
even turn around to acknowledge him... then at the child. He makes his way
to the girl and sits down. Shiang-Li looks up, and smiles with a sweet
innocence that only a child can hold. The Guard Captain, hardened by his
service to Karachel, doesn't return it.]

[Shiang-Li] {with a slight accent} You Guard what helped Steppenwulf...
Why you come here?

[Guard Captain] Master Karachel bid me to find his pupil so they may
resume training... Why are you here?

[Shiang-Li] Shiang-Li always with Steppenwulf. He protect Shiang-Li. He
save Shiang-Li from Leopards.

[Guard Captain] You are the child Master Karachel told us about. The one
Steppenwulf always carries with him.

[Shiang-Li] ...what you name?

[Guard Captain] Hmm?

[Shiang-Li] You have name, right? What you name?

[Guard Captain] ......Jagi. My name is Jagi.

[Shiang-Li] {with a soft giggle} Jagi... Me Shiang-Li. Child of
Steppenwulf.

[Jagi] You mean he's your father?

[Shiang-Li] No, but he like father. He always make sure Shiang-Li safe and
well fed. He does what he can to make sure Shiang-Li is well.

[Jagi] So he's here because of you?

[Shiang-Li] No... Steppenwulf came for Steppenwulf, but he stays so
Shiang-Li is protected...

[Steppenwulf lowers his arms. He grasps his Khuri Dagger and places it on
his pants. He takes his furs and stands, bowing to the front before
moving. He turns around, and is stunned to find Guard Captain Jagi and
Shiang-Li talking. He begins to approach with his at his blade... but
shortly stops, remembering that he is one of Master Karachel, and he swore
no harm would come to the girl. He approaches the two.]

[Steppenwulf] Why are you here, Captain?

[Jagi looks up to Steppenwulf, and he narrows his eyes. There is a small
enmity between the two. Steppenwulf hates Jagi for questioning his
actions... Jagi hates Steppenwulf for coming onto the scene so suddenly
and gathering favor with Karachel.]

[Jagi] Master Karachel wishes to resume your training. You have a battle
coming up soon, and he wishes to make sure you are completely prepared for
this confrontation.

[Steppenwulf] Master is wise for thinking so... but Steppenwulf has been
preparing for this match. And the three unfortunate, pitiful fools who
must confront Steppenwulf. L.N. Fowler, Steve Lake, and Cesar Montano...
Steppenwulf has been studying and preparing... but he shall heed the
Master's call.

[Steppenwulf takes Shiang-Li's hand, who waves good-bye to Jagi... who
does nothing. Just as Steppenwulf exits the temple...]

[Jagi] Steppenwulf!

[Steppenwulf stops and turns around. He looks at Jagi, the anger still in
his eyes.]

[Jagi] Assess the situation for me. You have been "studying"... tell me
what you know. Make my day THAT MUCH BRIGHTER... knowing that Karachel's
newest prize knows exactly what he is doing! Prove me wrong when I think
you nothing more than a odoriferous shaggy beast-man!

[Steppenwulf lets go of Shiang-Li's hand and approaches Jagi... and the
Khuri Dagger quickly comes out, pointed right at Jagi's neck. The look on
Steppenwulf's face is one that could turn Medusa to stone.]

[Steppenwulf] You get on his nerves, one named Jagi. You push him towards
what he seeks to control... his beastial self. You seek to unleash what he
wishes Master Karachel to help use to his benefit. YOU ANGER STEPPENWULF!
Such is not a wise move... but Steppenwulf shall answer your question.

[Jagi] Go ahead...

[Steppenwulf backs down, replacing the dagger in its rightful place. He
turns around and makes his way towards the door and Shiang-Li.]

[Steppenwulf] Fowler is nothing more than a drug-using First Worlder who
has his "butler" do his work for him, and if Steppenwulf can guess, he
would also say that Fowler has the butler gets his *** for him. Fowler
has money, something all First Worlders can barely hold the true concept
of. Montano is from the Third World, and Steppenwulf holds a silent
respect for him, but it ends there. Unfortunatly, Steppenwulf will hunt
his own kind, including Montano. As for Lake... He is of no concern of
Steppenwulf.

[Jagi arches a brow, then smirks.]

[Jagi] You know your opponents... what do you intend to do?

[Steppenwulf] Now, now, now. If he told you, that would defeat the purpose
of strategy. You will now know only what Master Karachel says you may
know, one named Jagi. And if you cross Steppenwulf once more... he will
treat you like the prey you make yourself out to be to him! UNDERSTAND!

[Jagi stays silent, as Steppenwulf and Shiang-Li walk out and down the
corridor.]

[Shiang-Li] {Speaking Thai} =Steppenwulf... Why do you hate Jagi?=

[Steppenwulf] {Speaking Thai} =Jagi feels he is better than Steppenwulf
because he is Captain, and feels threatened by my presence because I have
asked for Master Karachel's tutelage.=

[Shiang-Li] =And your battle?=

[Steppenwulf] =A necessary conflict, child. The more I win, the greater my
control over my demons. Remember, I need Master Karachel's knowledge to
help me. That is why we came here, but I knew that some degree of
protection would be given onto you, Shiang-Li. I would not leave the one
thing I treasure most behind... You are like the daughter I wish I had. I
fight more for you than for myself, but while I am here... I must also
fight for Master Karachel.=

[Shiang-Li] =Steppenwulf, what is Karachel like?=

[Steppenwulf halts, looking down at the child. He smiles, patting the
girl's head and continuing on.]

[Steppenwulf] =He is a great man... a visionary. One day, I shall
introduce him to you. For now... It is best that only Steppenwulf see
him.=

[Steppenwulf approaches Karachel's Chambers, and looks to one of the room
guards.]

[Steppenwulf] Take the child back to my chambers and keep all from
entering, especially Jagi.

[The Room Guard makes no sound, but takes the girl's hand. They both walk
down the corridor, and the second rom guard opens the door. Karachel waits
on his chair, watching...]

[Steppenwulf] He has heeded thy call, Master Karachel.

[The scene fades to black. End.]

"The Most Insane Cruiserweight in the World"
"The *** Spokesperson of the New Millenium"
"The 4:19"
"The Unforgiven" Dave Pietka

[Quote of the time until I change it] "*NSUCK!"

 
 
 

Role-play/Critique

Post by John Alex Bridg » Wed, 15 Sep 1999 04:00:00

Heh...just to be half-annoying since I am being nice with this critique...I am
writing it like you write your roleplays...maybe you can understand it that
way?
--
You're cooking with unskinned meat.  Do you really want all those hairs in the
frying pan?  No... So what do you do?  You skin the bear and then cook it; at
an even pace.

Two things I noticed in this roleplay.  The dialogue was too long: unskinned
bear makes poor dinner, less hunger for the average reader.

Second thing.  If you don't cook at an even pace, then you might overcook or
leave it raw.  A bear needs to be cooked just right.  Never change the pace at
which you write.  Attitude flares are okay, but the same pace must be kept, I
saw examples of this happening.

Another thing.  You usually salt the skin of the bear after you've skinned it.
The lavish fur is the coup de' gras.  You can sell that to a french tradesmen
for three schillings in the wild.  What parallel do I draw from this?  Cash in
a great roleplay with a great ending.

This was a too long of a rp for starters...although if it were for a different
RPG type stage other than ewrestling; like say Altain Chinese Warriors realm of
RPG?  That would fit...

John Alex Zabroski
  Stage Name: J.A.B.
- Peoples' Man of the Year
- Joe Petrow, Jr. to you

 
 
 

Role-play/Critique

Post by Joey R » Thu, 16 Sep 1999 04:00:00

Isn't Steppenwulf the band that sings...

"Born to be Wild"

I'm dead sure it is.

=======================
Joey Ray (JR)
        Handler of:
Boltz (GLOW, MLW, ICW)
#53- '98 RSPWF 200
#12- '99 TOP 100 Cruisers
#18-EWZ Mid-Year Awards
=======================                                  

 
 
 

Role-play/Critique

Post by The Unforgiven O » Thu, 16 Sep 1999 04:00:00

Quote:
>Isn't Steppenwulf the band that sings...

>"Born to be Wild"

>I'm dead sure it is.

That would be Steppenwolf. If you read DC Comics, then you would probably be
familiar with a character named Steppenwulf(which is where I actually got the
name) who was an intergalatic hunter(only half-way to where I got the gimmick).

You're intitled to your own opinion. Anyone wants to say I'm uncreative, go
right ahead...

But nothing says I have to believe you.

"The Most Insane Cruiserweight in the World"
"The *** Spokesperson of the New Millenium"
"The 4:19"
"The Unforgiven" Dave Pietka

[Quote of the time until I change it] "*NSUCK!"

 
 
 

Role-play/Critique

Post by GtoffmyI » Fri, 17 Sep 1999 04:00:00

Quote:
>[Quote of the time until I change it] "*NSUCK!"

OH...HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAH...

That's not funny...

*shrug*

Ish...is your father
*~=-[Ish]-=~*
Handles Illusive Dumbass [10-0]
#132 on RSPWF Mid-Year '99
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Also: Vote for "Ish" RSPWF's greatest POSTER~!