I LIke Monkeys

I LIke Monkeys

Post by Nemesi » Sat, 12 Aug 2006 13:04:51


Since some folks were talking about monkeys, I pulled this blast from
the past:

http://SportToday.org/~bobo316/rspwh31.html

I like monkeys

As posted by briang

Date: 1999/03/04

I like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece.
I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I
decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like
monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His
name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really
bright. They kept punching themselves in their ***s. I laughed.
Then they punched my ***s. I stopped laughing. I herded them into
my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They
would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and
slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its
novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive:
they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead.
Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn
cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over
my room, on the bed, in the dresser,*** from my bookcase. It
looked like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked
for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to
smell real bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't
want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them.
Unfortunately, there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so
I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food
in the freezer so it didn't all go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to
extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys
in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The
odor wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use
the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was
not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a
wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking
about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts.
My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they
like them, but I could tell they were lying.

Ingrates. So I punched them in the ***s.

I like monkeys.

--
Nemesis
ICQ #4610826
http://SportToday.org/
http://SportToday.org/~tehawk

 
 
 

I LIke Monkeys

Post by Smart Ape - Believe it » Sat, 12 Aug 2006 13:24:40


Quote:
> Since some folks were talking about monkeys, I pulled this blast from
> the past:

> http://SportToday.org/~bobo316/rspwh31.html

> I like monkeys

> As posted by briang

> Date: 1999/03/04

> I like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece.
> I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I
> decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like
> monkeys.

> I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His
> name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really
> bright. They kept punching themselves in their ***s. I laughed.
> Then they punched my ***s. I stopped laughing. I herded them into
> my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They
> would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and
> slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its
> novelty halfway into its third hour.

> Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive:
> they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead.
> Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn
> cheap monkeys.

> I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over
> my room, on the bed, in the dresser,*** from my bookcase. It
> looked like I had 200 throw rugs.

> I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck.
> Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

> I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked
> for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to
> smell real bad.

> I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't
> want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

> I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them.
> Unfortunately, there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so
> I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food
> in the freezer so it didn't all go bad.

> I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to
> extinguish the fire.

> Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys
> in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The
> odor wasn't improving.

> I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use
> the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

> I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was
> not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a
> wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking
> about the frozen ones.

> I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts.
> My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they
> like them, but I could tell they were lying.

> Ingrates. So I punched them in the ***s.

> I like monkeys.

I don't like this person.
--
--- "Damn dirty fleas..."
--- Proud loser of TWO 2004 RSPW Poster Awards and several more in 2005.
--- 3rd Highest Vote-Getter in KORSPW 2005 (I got screwed in 2006)
--- In the Final Four of the 2006 RSPW Rumble
--- Ranked 4th on Lvubun's Top 127 RSPW Posters of 2005