Hordes of quivering GOP lawmakers and vast throngs of proudly
homophobic right-wing Christian Americans fell into an adorable tizzy
the other day as the entire really, really big country of Canada
announced it will change its law to allow full-on *** marriage
anywhere in the whole country including Vancouver and Toronto and even
"that weird province with all the gay French people."
Hysteria and open weeping and panicky looks accompanied the
uncontrollable overeating of many stale Ding-Dongs, as millions of
***ly confused Bush-ites and members of self-righteous Bible-icious
anti-everything groups like the American Family Association, along
with entire towns such as Colorado Springs, were absolutely certain
the world was coming to an end, like, immediately. I mean, Canada's
right next door!
Moreover, they fear, Canada's decision means the God-given sanctity of
tepid hetero missionary-position marriage is utterly doomed and our
innocent children are sure to become fans of modern dance and maybe
even old Barbra Streisand movies, and all of this will undoubtedly
result in the introduction of a pair of wacky gay Canadian neighbors
on "Everybody Loves Raymond."
"I don't really know what this means, what it represents, what it
entails, what gay people stand for, where they come from or what they
do or why they do it or how they become that way in the first place or
even if they're allowed to vote or fly in airplanes," announced a very
trembly George W. Bush at a hastily arranged press conference in the
Super Mega Hetero Gun Room of the White House.
"But I do know we won't stand for it, and if these gul-dang furriner
evildoers think they can get away with these kinds of tender unions
and hand holdings and loving smiles and beautiful intimate
commitments, well, they haven't seen America's righteous firepower!"
he shouted, pounding his cute little***on the podium. "We shall
prevail!" Then he fainted.
Karl Rove, Bush's master strategist and known devourer of live puppies
and breeder of the administration's swarms of evil flying monkeys,
briefly waddled into the sunlight to quickly introduce the ***in'
catchphrase "Wussies of Mass Destruction" into the GOP lexical
Rove also pointed out, just before the tiny demon leeches sucked away
what remained of his shriveled soul, how Canada's wicked WMD decision
probably meant there were similar latent gay terrorist revolutions
ready to burst all over Antarctica and Poland and probably Latvia like
some sticky-smooth lubricating substance, and they must be stopped
before the world is "converted" and we all end up getting regular
pedicures and drinking white wine and belting out the words to
"Cabaret" as we cruise around in our purple Miatas.
"As far as I'm told, Canada actually borders our fine upstanding
nation," Bush managed to continue, after being hoisted upright, as a
paler-than-usual*** Cheney whispered desperately into Bush's ear
while Lynne frantically tried to dissuade their secret ***
daughter from splitting for Saskatchewan with her lover on the next
"This means we as a country are actually touching a bunch of gay
married people right this very minute! Look at this map! It's like an
adjacency thing! Like some sort of weird tidal wave of gay Canadian
people in love, just waiting up north to ride big pink buses down here
and open chains of well-appointed little *** chocolate boutiques
and buy up all the Cher Farewell Tour tickets. This will not do!"