"It's Only Corruption"
the new game for the entire Olympic family
It's Olympics time, and in response to the overwhelming interest the IOC
members clearly have in sports, we've devised several new events especially
THE 100 METER GOOSE STEP
Are you a Fascist, Commie, or henchman to a military junta? If so, this is
the event for you! Make sure to bring your uniform, your jackboots and plenty
of blue shirts. Neatness and precision rather than speed are important here.
And don't forget to give a hearty "Seig Hiel!" to His Excellency as you cross
the finish line.
THE 50 K BRIBE
Sort of like a relay, with a few small changes:
1) you wear a business suit
2) the baton is replaced by a wad of $US50,000 in used, unmarked,
3) contestants run backwards, and must backhand the roll into the pocket of
the next runner. At the end of the race, the last runner deposits the
roll into the nearest numbered Lichtensteinien bank account.
Erroneously thought by many to have been abolished by the IOC, but now just
as big an event as ever. A word of warning, though: some contestants have
been known to cheat by running off with the cash!
This event is a team sport. You can bring your wife (or wives if you've more
than one). Bring your ex-wife. Bring your ***. Bring your kids and
grandkids, and your brothers, sisters and cousins. Give each of them two
large shopping bags. Then have them wander through as many big, up-market
stores (like Saks or Harrods) as they can, filling the shopping bags with as
much high priced merchandise as possible in the four years allowed. Jewelry,
furs, champagne, computers, DVD players, car parts, mountain bikes - you name
it - anything that takes your fancy. The team with the heaviest load at the
finish wins. And don't worry about the cost - your local friendly Olympic bid
committee will gladly pick up the tab! Perfect if you're the kind of Olympian
for whom "gold" is just the color of a credit card!
It works like this: you give us the freakin' medals, or we stick a dead horse
in your bed. It's an offer you can't refuse.
Once an event dominated by the Sicilians, they now face stiff competition
from the emerging former Soviet republics and the Asian triad teams. Expect
to see more of this in the future Games - if the contestants can keep out of
You don't need a pool for this one. You can do it in your hotel room, in the
elevator, in the closet, in fact any bidding city where there's a few tasty
looking women to be groped. Recommended for any dirty old (or even
middle-aged) IOC member who fancies a bit of "horizontal jogging". So far,
"Mr Wandering Hands" is the gold medal champion, but he's come under strong
suspicion recently of using performance enhancing *** - and we mean Viagra,
not steroids. Distinctly a possible sport for a certain US President if he's
looking for something to do in retirement.
An ability to backpedal furiously when you're caught with your pants down is
the key quality here - e.g. you say something stupid, like that you support
the use of *** by athletes under certain circumstances, and then hastily
retract it as fast as possible, usually with some lame excuse about
"translation problems". Yes, translating Spanish into Spanish is always
really fraught with difficulty.
FENCING AND SHOOTING
At last - we've finally found a use for all those expensive shotguns and
samurai swords that have been gathering dust for so long in the Olympic
Museum in Lausanne. If you need more guns, you can just ask the Salt Lake
City bid committee for some more. And if they haven't got any, Joao Havelange
will be sure to dig some up, just like he did for the Brazilian military
junta few years back. Don't expect any sponsorship from McDonalds, however.
And last but definitely not least:
JAVELIN - don't forget to make sure the javelin lands in the back of one of
your fellow IOC members.
THE CABER TOSS - using logs generously supplied by Bob Hasan and his
Indonesian lumber cartel.
BOXING - the sport where a fistful of dollars decides the result.
Portland Ice Skating Society
New Zealand's Tonya Harding fan club