... Game #4 of the NBA Finals.
Dear Cleveland Cavaliers. Please. You owe it to yourselves, the
fans, the city of Cleveland, the State of Ohio, the country, the
basketball universe... for the good of the game... tonight. Go out
and lose by 40 points. Shoot wild NBA Jam style half court shots.
Turn the ball over 45 times.
No assists. Play with 4 guys on the court. LeBron, get T'd up and
thrown out after picking up your fifth foul before halftime.
Mike Brown; lose your bowels on the bench, and cry like a 3 year old
I want to see Scott Pollard play 35 minutes tonight.
Dear ABC. Please. Show Eva Longoria every 33 seconds. When she
smiles, when she's on the phone, when she picks her nose. When she
eats popcorn (oh who am I kidding. I'll be waiting all day to see
that child eat). Remind me about her and Tony Parker's wedding next
month. At halftime, I want an Eva Longoria vignette.
Dear Mark Jackson. Please. Kindly refer to Tim Duncan as the
greatest power forward in the history of basketball about 300 more
times. Please. Don't stop there. Refer to Tim Duncan as the
greatest athlete of all time. Begin calling for the U.S. ***
Islands to rename themselves the "Duncanlands". Then kindly break
down the fundamentals of the pick-and-roll, and please give props to
the officials every chance you get.
Dear Jeff Van Gundy. Kindly go apeshit tonight on why you don't have
a job, but Mike Brown does. Refer to him as the worst human being on
Earth, call for LeBron to be traded to the Atlanta Hawks, then take
your headset off, run out on the court, and kick Manu Ginobli in the
marbles the first time he flops. Then, spit on that other guy, give
Stuart Scott the finger, and moon Jon Barry.
Dear Grant Hill. Please. Refer to the Cavaliers as a "JV" team
again. No, better yet, call them the Smelters from Rebound before
Martin Lawrence got there. Then talk about salivating at the
opportunity to gravy-train;er;play with the Phoenix Suns.
Dear Mike Wilbon. Kindly dropkick David Stern.
Dear David Stern. Take the Larry O'Brien trophy; shine it up real
nice, lube it up... turn that sum'*** sideways, and stick it
straight up your candy ass.
Dear ABC. Once all this is done, by the middle of the third quarter-
cut the game off inexplicably for re-runs of T.G.I.F. lineup from
1989. Perfect Strangers, Full House, Family Matters, and Step By
Step. Then run a Fox News type crawl that says the NHL and NBA have
merged in order to draw an 8 in primetime ratings.
That's what I want to see ... tonight.