Deep Thought's...something to laugh at while waiting for the snow to fall.

Deep Thought's...something to laugh at while waiting for the snow to fall.

Post by street » Sat, 26 Oct 1996 04:00:00

Quote:
> Subject: deep thoughts

>      Deep Thoughts Contest

>      -- From a newspaper contest where entrants were asked to imitate "Deep
>      Thoughts by Jack Handey"

>      HONORABLE MENTIONS:

>      It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's
>      birthday, like they do for the queen.  Of course, then we would have a
>      lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26,
>      just for the long weekends.

>      Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting
>      just any old yokel vote.

>      Home is where the house is.

>      Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.
>      That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.

>      As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a
>      few minutes each day.  At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of
>      days saved up.

>      It would be terrible if the Red Cross ***mobile got into an
>      accident.  No, wait.  That would be good because if anyone needed it,
>      the *** would be right there.

>      Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept
>      the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.

>      The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think
>      it odd that I drive without pants.

>      For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese.  Then
>      the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock.  That's
>      what
>      happens to cheese when you leave it out.

>      Think of the biggest number you can.  Now add five.  Then, imagine if
>      you had that many Twinkies.  Wow, that's five more than the biggest
>      number you could come up with!

>      I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

>      The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe
>      "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't is
>      morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"

>      Once, I wept for I had no shoes.  Then I came upon a man who had no
>      feet.  So I took his shoes.  I mean, it's not like he really needed
>      them, right?

>      When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again.  But he better
>      have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.

>      I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why
>      I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash
>      clothes on the last day of their life?

>      I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some
>      people think he should be.  Then, I remember it's because he sucks.

>      Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think
>      about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!"

>      If you really want to impress people with your computer literacy, add
>      the words "dot com" to the end of everything you say, dot com.

>      I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog.
>      Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of
>      his stuff.  Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.

>      THIRD RUNNER UP

>      I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry.  I imagine
>      that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of
>      water for some tiny cities by the lake.  As the lake gets drier, the
>      population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots.
>      Once there was a big fire and everyone died.

>      SECOND RUNNER UP

>      I once heard the voice of God.  It said "Vrrrrmmmmm."  Unless it was
>      just a lawn mower.

>      FIRST RUNNER UP

>      I gaze at the brilliant full moon.  The same one, I think to myself,
>      at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed.  Suddenly, I imagine
>      they appear beside me.  I tell Socrates about the national debate over
>      one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition.
>      I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to
>      Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution.  I tell Aristotle
>      that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a
>      periodic table.  I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one.  They
>      gasp with wonder.  We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.

>      WINNER

>      If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world
>      peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the
>      looting started.

Tom Streeter