> Deep Thoughts Contest
> -- From a newspaper contest where entrants were asked to imitate "Deep
> Thoughts by Jack Handey"
> HONORABLE MENTIONS:
> It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's
> birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a
> lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26,
> just for the long weekends.
> Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting
> just any old yokel vote.
> Home is where the house is.
> Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.
> That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
> As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a
> few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of
> days saved up.
> It would be terrible if the Red Cross ***mobile got into an
> accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it,
> the *** would be right there.
> Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept
> the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
> The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think
> it odd that I drive without pants.
> For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then
> the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's
> happens to cheese when you leave it out.
> Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if
> you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest
> number you could come up with!
> I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
> The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe
> "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't is
> morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"
> Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no
> feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed
> them, right?
> When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better
> have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.
> I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why
> I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash
> clothes on the last day of their life?
> I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some
> people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks.
> Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think
> about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!"
> If you really want to impress people with your computer literacy, add
> the words "dot com" to the end of everything you say, dot com.
> I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog.
> Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of
> his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.
> THIRD RUNNER UP
> I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine
> that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of
> water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the
> population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots.
> Once there was a big fire and everyone died.
> SECOND RUNNER UP
> I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was
> just a lawn mower.
> FIRST RUNNER UP
> I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself,
> at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine
> they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over
> one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition.
> I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to
> Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle
> that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a
> periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They
> gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.
> If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world
> peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the
> looting started.