Sport Today

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    ATLANTA (Rueters)-- What took
place in the Georgia Dome today
boggles the mind.
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    During their practice sessions, all
four teams competing in the NCAA
finals conducted practice at both ends
of the court with a TWO-FOOT difference
in the height of the rim.
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   The basket on one end was what
we'd call conventional -- 10 feet high
-- but at the other end 12.
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   Apparently, coaches of Louisivlle,
Wichita State, Michigan and Syracuse
-- the Final Four -- aren't sure what
height the baskets will be and wanted
their players to be ready in case the
12-footers are used.
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   "It's rumored the NCAA, which has
always kissed the ass of the NBA in
basketball matters, could declare a
change in the height of the hoops at
any moment," one coach told Sean
"Ins" Hannity of Fox News.
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   Just the other day, NBA owners
-- meeting in Hilo, Hawaii -- voted
unanimously to raise their baskets two
feet because there are too many 7-foot-
plus string beans in the game which,
as one owner remarked, "has made Dr.
James Naismith's version of the game
a travesty."
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   There seems to be no question that,
whatever height is used for the semi-
finals and finals of March Madness,
the basket elevation will be a sure
thing next season because, folks,
scoring points has gotten way too
easy.
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Or, as Ins Hannity so eloquently put
it, "What a revolting development
this is."
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<         EARLIER  REPORT
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      HILO, Hawaii (Rueters) -- NBA team
owners, displaying their *** for the
first time in decades, have unanimously
voted to raise the basketball rims to 12
feet -- from 10 -- beginning immediately.
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    "Hell, some of the players are so tall
that they have to shoot DOWN to make
a bucket," one of owners -- from Chicago --
told Sean "Ins" Hannity of Fox News,
explaining the league's decision.
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    "I'm sure Dr. (James) Naismith, who
invented basketball In Springfield, Mass.,
back in 1891, never realized that evolution
would***up things so badly, causing
lots of skinny little kids to grow to 7-foot
and, in some cases, even higher," he added.
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"By growing so tall, they've made a freakin'
mockery of the game."
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<               DR.JAMES NAISMITH
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<    Hannity, obviously, added his two cents'
worth, which certainly isn't much.
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 "That's why, when Jim came up with the
idea of basketball, he wanted the peach
baskets placed at a height of 10 feet,"
"Ins" told his feeble-minded audience.
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    An NBA spokesman said the new
rule will go into effect this week and noted
that, since the NCAA usually follows what
the NBA does, there's a strong likelihood
that the teams that have made it to the
Final Four of March Madness may be
required to shoot at 12-foot-high baskets
 next weekend.
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EVOLUTION ALSO BLAMED FOR GLOBAL WARMING
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TIME TO END THE MONKEY BUSINESS
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 BET YOU'VE BEEN DYING TO READ THIS
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 "We can forgive a child who is afraid
 of the dark. The real tragedy of life
 is when men are afraid of the light."
 <                      -- Plato
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 "You're not only fighting the man
 in the ring, Ed. You're also fighting
 the referee and the three judges."
 <                 -- Clayton Lennon
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Recent FBI File Photo of Ed Conrad
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CAUTION: DO NOT READ BELOW THIS LINE
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While the bit about the NCAA kissing the ass of the NBA in basketball
matters makes a bit of sense (or does anybody else have an explanation
as to how the no-charge arc got there?), the NBA isn't about to raise
the height of the basket, in no small part because the NCAA will never
do it.

The NCAA won't do it for two reasons.

First, you have to remember that there's no such thing as the "NCAA
Division I Basketball Rulebook" - the NCAA uses the same rules for
Divisions I, II, and III, and there is no way they are going to make
every university replace its 10-foot baskets with 12-foot ones.  (No,
most backboards can't be adjusted at will; if they could, don't you
think that the women's baskets would have been lowered years ago?)

Second, every player would have to re-learn how to shoot free throws.
If you thought the NCAA raising rims was an impossibility, just look
at the NFHS, which has used cost as a reason not to enforce a shot
clock in high school basketball.  (Yes, some states - California and
Massachusetts come to mind - use shot clocks.  They also aren't
allowed to have any representative on the rules committee.)