< SPECIAL BULLETIN
ATLANTA (Rueters) -- Coaches of teams
who've made the Final Four of the NCCA
basketball tournament are sitting on egg
shells today wondering what the height of
the baskets will be.
There is a good chance the NCAA,
adhering to the NBA's wishes, will
order 12-foot-high rims be used
instead of the conventional 10-footers.
"I'm a nervous wreck," said a sports
writer from Sports Illustrated. "In fact,
I'm so nervous I think I'm coming down
with a good case of diarrhea."
The NBA just recently unanimously
approved raising its baskets two feet
because owners claim there are just too
many 7-foot-plus players whose easy
scoring has long made a mockery of
In anticipation of a NCCA directive
to immediately raise the baskets by
two feet, coaches of the Final Four
held practice yesterday using 12-foot
high rims as well as 10.
"We don't wa nt to get caught with
our jocks down," the coach told Sean
"Ins" Hannity on Fox News.
< EARLIER BULLETIN
ATLANTA (Rueters) -- What took
place in the Georgia Dome today was
a sight to behold.
During their practice sessions, all four
teams competing in the NCAA finals
held practice at both ends of the cour
with a TWO-FOOT differencein the
height of the rim.
The basket on one end was what we'd
call conventional -- 10 feet high -- but
at the other end 12. (Boy,they were
missing like crazy at the 12-foot end.)
Apparently, coaches of Louisivlle,
Wichita State, Michigan and Syracuse
-- the Final Four -- aren't sure what
height the baskets will be and wanted
their players to be ready in case the
12-footers are used.
"It's rumored the NCAA, which has
always kissed the ass of the NBA in
basketball matters, could declare a
change in the height of the hoops at
any moment," one coach told Sean
"Ins" Hannity of Fox News.
Just the other day, NBA owners
-- meeting in Hilo, Hawaii -- voted
unanimously to raise their baskets two
feet because there are too many 7-foot-
plus string beans in the game which,
as one owner remarked, "has made Dr.
James Naismith's version of the game
There seems to be no question that,
whatever height is used for the semi-
finals and finals of March Madness,
the basket elevation will be a sure
thing next season because, folks,
scoring points has gotten way too
Or, as Ins Hannity so eloquently put
it, "What a revolting development
< AN EVEN EARLIER BULLETIN
HILO, Hawaii (Rueters) -- NBA team
owners, displaying their *** for the
first time in decades, have unanimously
voted to raise the basketball rims to 12
feet -- from 10 -- beginning immediately.
"Hell, some of the players are so tall
that they have to shoot DOWN to make
a bucket," one of owners -- from Chicago --
told Sean "Ins" Hannity of Fox News,
explaining the league's decision.
"I'm sure Dr. (James) Naismith, who
invented basketball In Springfield, Mass.,
back in 1891, never realized that evolution
would***up things so badly, causing
lots of skinny little kids to grow to 7-foot
and, in some cases, even higher," he added.
"By growing so tall, they've made a
freakin' mockery of the game."
< DR.JAMES NAISMITH
Hannity, obviously, added his two cents'
worth, which certainly isn't much.
"That's why, when Jim came up with the
idea of basketball, he wanted the peach
baskets placed at a height of 10 feet,"
"Ins" told his feeble-minded audience.
An NBA spokesman said the new
rule will go into effect this week and noted
that, since the NCAA usually follows what
the NBA does, there's a strong likelihood
that the teams that have made it to the
Final Four of March Madness may be
required to shoot at 12-foot-high baskets
EVOLUTION ALSO BLAMED FOR GLOBAL WARMING
TIME TO END THE MONKEY BUSINESS
BET YOU'VE BEEN DYING TO READ THIS
"We can forgive a child who is afraid
of the dark. The real tragedy of life
is when men are afraid of the light."
< -- Plato
"You're not only fighting the man
in the ring, Ed. You're also fighting
the referee and the three judges."
< -- Clayton Lennon
Recent FBI File Photo of Ed Conrad
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